[ She's already felt it. The quiet hush of an empty cottage around her. She was already missing Tsutha very much.
She busied herself with pouring them both a cup of tea, sliding it across from him before sinking down in the chair nest to his as she settled with her own cup. Meeting his gaze, she searched his face for a moment before shaking her head. ]
No. I suppose I am fortunate in that both my Bonded, Caster and Archer, were here for quite some time before I arrived even, and have remained through it all. There were a few that I considered reaching out to invite a Bond with, but... [ A flicker of sadness, as she thinks of those friends she's lost along the way. She misses them, the ache similar to what she felt for her companions from home - ones she's never stopped missing in all her time here. ] But that never quite worked out.
[It's sort of an empty platitude given that she's lost close friends regardless, but it's a small victory. He stares at the cup of tea for a moment, silent.]
... kind of like I'm sinking into a pit.
[He wouldn't go so far to say it felt like a part of him was missing—his soul was fine on its own for a good 17 years, and as much as he craves affection from other people, saying that he was somehow incomplete by the loss would imply this place had done something irreversible to him. That isn't something he can ever concede to, if he hopes to hold onto his sanity.
Even so, the intensity of the loss isn't something he can brush off. Even with his usual instinct to conceal whatever misery he's enduring, he didn't come here just to stare at Tsutha's things.]
[ Her gaze flits over to search his expression before she's quickly pushing out of her chair again and circling around behind him. Carefully, she drapes her arms about his neck from behind, wrapping around him as she gives him a hug, her cheek resting atop his head. ]
You're not sinking. [ Her voice is soft, but no less fervent. ] And you're not here alone, Ferran. I miss her, too. I will continue to miss her. But she wouldn't want you to drown in her absence either. That would not have made her happy at all.
[He grits his teeth, tensing in Yona's embrace despite wanting to be able to relax into it. What he wouldn't do to be able to accept things so easily, to acknowledge that things are done, to have the capability of moving on so quickly. A tear escapes him despite his attempts to keep it together, or at least keep himself in the gloom where everything is dull and numb rather than acutely painful.
Ferran doesn't want to push Yona away, even if he fears that rebuffing her comfort may do so. But he's seen what happens when he bottles everything up, and he'd told Tsutha he wanted to be better than that...]
I just—I need... a minute to be miserable. That's all.
[ She gives him a squeeze at that, understanding completely. ]
You can take as many minutes as you need.
[ Releasing him, she gives his shoulder a squeeze before returning to her chair and searching his face. She doesn't miss the hint of tears and it makes her own heart ache, wishing she could help more than she was. ]
I just... I hate seeing you so sad. Even if it is for a reason I share.
[He can't promise she'll never see him in a similar state again, as much as he'd like to. The attempt at self-deprecating humor is, at least... an attempt. He wipes his face with the back of a gloved hand, even though it's unlikely to be the end of it.]
She'd always end up messaging me about it... and I'd feel bad for making her deal with it, but... she never complained.
Of course she wouldn't. [ Yona looks surprised that he'd even think she would be. ] She considered you a very dear friend, too, Ferran. Wanting to understand what you're feeling, wanting to help with whatever might be troubling you... Or, if not that, then at least being able to share it with you... there's no 'dealing' with it, it's part of being close friends.
[As much as Ferran would say he trusted in that kind of friendship when asked, at his lowest he always has doubts. Most of all... if he's really seen for who he is, will that be enough to keep anyone around? If his true self comes out, will he be someone worth hating? Or simply someone not worth keeping around?
He can't look at Yona, his gaze moving from a side wall to his tea.]
I never had much that bothered me to "share," before. And then everything happened at once, and...
[He doesn't know how long it might take for him to move forward, or if he even can, when his thoughts of the future all have such a fatalistic tint. His prospects don't look good, no matter what angle he takes. Even if his friends were to believe him, despite the apparent doubt he'd last seen in their faces... it wouldn't guarantee anything.
But he's here, and that was there. He sniffs.]
I was an idiot about it, and only made it worse. When I came here, I was terrified, but she was... like a pillar I could lean against. I could almost think of it like a new start, despite everything...
[ She shifts to his side then, coming to crouch by his knee and reach out to take his hand. ]
She was very reassuring like that, wasn't she? It was hard to be scared when she was so fiercely protective. [ Yona knows how precious that feeling is, all too well. She doubted she'd still be on her feet today if she hadn't had someone to give her the same. ] It can still be your new start, Ferran. I think this place... it's very good for those.
[Even if he accepts her hand this time, he shakes his head. It's a nice thought, isn't it? Completely starting over with a blank slate. But there's no such opportunity here, in his mind. The slate could never be blank.]
It's just a different version of the same problem.
[Even under wholly separate circumstances, his fear is still the same.]
I can't trust myself... before, because of my memories, because of him... and now, because of this.
[He shuffles his wings under his cloak for emphasis, the sound like sandpaper scratching against itself. The fact that the only Fae traits he's shown anyone since he's acquired his illusions are often hidden away by more mundane means is a decent indication of how he feels about the form he's taken.]
[It takes him a moment to raise his gaze to hers.]
On the full moons... it's like I'm a different person. I can feel everything slipping, like... whatever usually matters to me isn't important anymore. [He turns his head to the side, almost scowling.] But... it's not just then, even if it's worse at that point.
[He doesn't want to do anything he'd regret. Not more than he already has.]
I bonded with complete strangers the first day I got here. I think I needed it.
[ Her head tips to the side, studying him intently. ]
That's not so strange. Many others choose to do the same. You do need it. [ Even if rarely that quickly, but sometimes even the reassurance of that Bond there is enough. ]
And the full moons... they can be frightening. Especially for anyone not a witch - it affects you so much more strongly. It doesn't make you less you, Ferran. It's just... for a little while, something else is a little more. [ She gives his hand another squeeze, holding his gaze intently. ] But you're still you. I don't think you could lose yourself so easily. And those that hold you so important to them wouldn't let you go so easily, either.
[Ferran shakes his head in disagreement. Whatever Yona might think about his control... well, he's worked so hard on his facade. Of course she would think him capable of holding it together.]
I didn't have just one bond before. And I didn't spend more than a day without two, before now.
[If anything, he wants to be less. Less magic, less Fae. Less dangerous.
Though there is one point that she probably has the right of. He's not exactly good about trusting his friends when it comes to issues regarding himself.]
I don't—want to be more. It just means there are more things I don't know about myself... or what I can do. And I don't want to force anyone else to...
[... do something unpleasant to keep him in check, for one. Even if he doesn't care about being hurt by those who have good intentions, he knows such a thing would have an effect on his friends and loved ones.]
[ Staying crouched by his knee, she listens to what he says. And what's more, what he doesn't. ]
Not knowing things about yourself, Ferran, just means you will be afraid of the unknown for far longer. [ Her voice is soft - she doesn't want to upset him further and she knows this might not be the best time to talk about this. But it's not often he opens up like this, either. To her, at least. ]
What if you're not forcing anyone to? What if there was someone with you who wanted to find out those truths with you, to help where they could?
[Ferran presses his lips together as his brow furrows, and even if there's a part of him that sees that Yona is right, the rest of him doesn't want to deal with those things at all, ever. Similarly, he can't imagine anyone else would want to, when they did finally learn what was hiding under the pleasant surface.
Even aside from that dread of being truly seen for what he is, he has an incredibly hard time depending on anyone. It's been enough of a struggle to rely on others for more physical things, and he still balks at the idea of sharing anything but the most obvious and relatable of emotional problems.
He won't outright dismiss the idea, because that would upset Yona and possibly lead to an argument he doesn't want. But he can't bring himself to seriously consider the concept, either. Instead, he diverts the conversation entirely, his typical tactic.]
Maybe it'll be fine if I just... get another bond again...
[He just has to stay in control. Would a third help too, he wonders? He'll have to consider it more later.]
[The thought had been in his mind a while, although it was always just a fleeting idea, one he hadn't felt the need to follow up on... partly because of Yona's other bonds and partly because of his own. Plus, for whatever reason he's had this idea in his head of needing to leave the potential for another open in case of some emergent circumstance—or in case she found someone better than him to share her soul with.
(And think of how awful it would be for him to ask, only to realize she had someone else in mind.)
He renews his grip on her hand, his gaze moving to the trim on the wall.]
Um...
[If there wasn't someone, he'd just say so. Perhaps she knows him well enough at this point to know as much.]
[ She knows him pretty well, but she's also still very oblivious when it comes to connections in general - especially ones involving herself. Or perhaps it's just that she doesn't tend to jump to assumptions, preferring the honesty from others.
Either way, she squeezes his hand warmly, wondering if she'd overstepped when he stares a hole in the wall. ]
If there's not, that's okay too, you know. You have time.
[She's either not catching the hint, or the idea hasn't occurred to her... neither of which are the greatest outcome... Normally he might have the confidence to be more forward about the request, but the circumstances have him feeling rather fragile.
He continues to not look at her, instead opting to stare at their hands—to which he adds another of his own.]
[ She blinks for a moment, staring at his hand as it comes to clasp over hers. It takes a moment to register why that is relevant - and not a failure on her part. She just... tends to be rather obtuse when it comes to things like that. It's not the first thing her mind jumps to, especially when she's already focusing on someone else and what they need. She's not exactly accustomed to that coming back around to her, and it feels a little self-centered to assume that it would.
But when his words do sink in, she glances up to meet his gaze with a startled look, one that melts into a warm - if rueful - smile a moment later. ]
I do, yes. Another witch and a dragon. But I still have room for one more...?
[The small amount of hope and relief he feels when their eyes finally meet again and he sees that realization doesn't quite show through his expression, unfortunately. It takes a moment for him to continue, opening his mouth for a few seconds before he does actually speak:]
If—
[He cuts himself off, unable to offer the possibility of refusal even though his (polite, human) instinct is to keep asking and making sure.
This time, he simply accepts the offer. Maybe it's a step towards accepting what help he needs, or maybe it's just a coping mechanism he'll abandon later. He lets out a breath.]
[ She studies his expression for a moment - even though it gives away very little of what he's thinking. But then her smile brightens, genuine and warm, and she squeezes his hand. ]
It would be. I'd be honored to have you as my Bonded, Ferran. There are few here I trust more.
[He doesn't know if he's earned that trust, but he certainly hopes he can. He takes in a slow breath, one of his many worries alleviated, but his voice is still a little strained when he finally replies.]
Thanks...
[Hopefully soon he'll have the nerve to express the same sentiment back to her with more than a single word.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-04-10 03:07 am (UTC)She busied herself with pouring them both a cup of tea, sliding it across from him before sinking down in the chair nest to his as she settled with her own cup. Meeting his gaze, she searched his face for a moment before shaking her head. ]
No. I suppose I am fortunate in that both my Bonded, Caster and Archer, were here for quite some time before I arrived even, and have remained through it all. There were a few that I considered reaching out to invite a Bond with, but... [ A flicker of sadness, as she thinks of those friends she's lost along the way. She misses them, the ache similar to what she felt for her companions from home - ones she's never stopped missing in all her time here. ] But that never quite worked out.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-12 10:37 pm (UTC)[It's sort of an empty platitude given that she's lost close friends regardless, but it's a small victory. He stares at the cup of tea for a moment, silent.]
... kind of like I'm sinking into a pit.
[He wouldn't go so far to say it felt like a part of him was missing—his soul was fine on its own for a good 17 years, and as much as he craves affection from other people, saying that he was somehow incomplete by the loss would imply this place had done something irreversible to him. That isn't something he can ever concede to, if he hopes to hold onto his sanity.
Even so, the intensity of the loss isn't something he can brush off. Even with his usual instinct to conceal whatever misery he's enduring, he didn't come here just to stare at Tsutha's things.]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-13 12:10 am (UTC)You're not sinking. [ Her voice is soft, but no less fervent. ] And you're not here alone, Ferran. I miss her, too. I will continue to miss her. But she wouldn't want you to drown in her absence either. That would not have made her happy at all.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-16 05:27 am (UTC)[He grits his teeth, tensing in Yona's embrace despite wanting to be able to relax into it. What he wouldn't do to be able to accept things so easily, to acknowledge that things are done, to have the capability of moving on so quickly. A tear escapes him despite his attempts to keep it together, or at least keep himself in the gloom where everything is dull and numb rather than acutely painful.
Ferran doesn't want to push Yona away, even if he fears that rebuffing her comfort may do so. But he's seen what happens when he bottles everything up, and he'd told Tsutha he wanted to be better than that...]
I just—I need... a minute to be miserable. That's all.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 04:14 pm (UTC)You can take as many minutes as you need.
[ Releasing him, she gives his shoulder a squeeze before returning to her chair and searching his face. She doesn't miss the hint of tears and it makes her own heart ache, wishing she could help more than she was. ]
I just... I hate seeing you so sad. Even if it is for a reason I share.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 04:57 am (UTC)[He can't promise she'll never see him in a similar state again, as much as he'd like to. The attempt at self-deprecating humor is, at least... an attempt. He wipes his face with the back of a gloved hand, even though it's unlikely to be the end of it.]
She'd always end up messaging me about it... and I'd feel bad for making her deal with it, but... she never complained.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 12:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-22 03:02 am (UTC)He can't look at Yona, his gaze moving from a side wall to his tea.]
I never had much that bothered me to "share," before. And then everything happened at once, and...
[He doesn't know how long it might take for him to move forward, or if he even can, when his thoughts of the future all have such a fatalistic tint. His prospects don't look good, no matter what angle he takes. Even if his friends were to believe him, despite the apparent doubt he'd last seen in their faces... it wouldn't guarantee anything.
But he's here, and that was there. He sniffs.]
I was an idiot about it, and only made it worse. When I came here, I was terrified, but she was... like a pillar I could lean against. I could almost think of it like a new start, despite everything...
no subject
Date: 2021-05-01 02:13 pm (UTC)She was very reassuring like that, wasn't she? It was hard to be scared when she was so fiercely protective. [ Yona knows how precious that feeling is, all too well. She doubted she'd still be on her feet today if she hadn't had someone to give her the same. ] It can still be your new start, Ferran. I think this place... it's very good for those.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-02 12:25 am (UTC)It's just a different version of the same problem.
[Even under wholly separate circumstances, his fear is still the same.]
I can't trust myself... before, because of my memories, because of him... and now, because of this.
[He shuffles his wings under his cloak for emphasis, the sound like sandpaper scratching against itself. The fact that the only Fae traits he's shown anyone since he's acquired his illusions are often hidden away by more mundane means is a decent indication of how he feels about the form he's taken.]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 02:11 pm (UTC)Why do you think you can't trust yourself?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-08 03:25 am (UTC)On the full moons... it's like I'm a different person. I can feel everything slipping, like... whatever usually matters to me isn't important anymore. [He turns his head to the side, almost scowling.] But... it's not just then, even if it's worse at that point.
[He doesn't want to do anything he'd regret. Not more than he already has.]
I bonded with complete strangers the first day I got here. I think I needed it.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-11 01:44 pm (UTC)That's not so strange. Many others choose to do the same. You do need it. [ Even if rarely that quickly, but sometimes even the reassurance of that Bond there is enough. ]
And the full moons... they can be frightening. Especially for anyone not a witch - it affects you so much more strongly. It doesn't make you less you, Ferran. It's just... for a little while, something else is a little more. [ She gives his hand another squeeze, holding his gaze intently. ] But you're still you. I don't think you could lose yourself so easily. And those that hold you so important to them wouldn't let you go so easily, either.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 05:11 am (UTC)I didn't have just one bond before. And I didn't spend more than a day without two, before now.
[If anything, he wants to be less. Less magic, less Fae. Less dangerous.
Though there is one point that she probably has the right of. He's not exactly good about trusting his friends when it comes to issues regarding himself.]
I don't—want to be more. It just means there are more things I don't know about myself... or what I can do. And I don't want to force anyone else to...
[... do something unpleasant to keep him in check, for one. Even if he doesn't care about being hurt by those who have good intentions, he knows such a thing would have an effect on his friends and loved ones.]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 02:38 pm (UTC)Not knowing things about yourself, Ferran, just means you will be afraid of the unknown for far longer. [ Her voice is soft - she doesn't want to upset him further and she knows this might not be the best time to talk about this. But it's not often he opens up like this, either. To her, at least. ]
What if you're not forcing anyone to? What if there was someone with you who wanted to find out those truths with you, to help where they could?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 04:24 am (UTC)Even aside from that dread of being truly seen for what he is, he has an incredibly hard time depending on anyone. It's been enough of a struggle to rely on others for more physical things, and he still balks at the idea of sharing anything but the most obvious and relatable of emotional problems.
He won't outright dismiss the idea, because that would upset Yona and possibly lead to an argument he doesn't want. But he can't bring himself to seriously consider the concept, either. Instead, he diverts the conversation entirely, his typical tactic.]
Maybe it'll be fine if I just... get another bond again...
[He just has to stay in control. Would a third help too, he wonders? He'll have to consider it more later.]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-19 06:35 pm (UTC)[ Even if that's still not addressing the deeper matter at all, but... baby steps. ]
Is there someone else you'd want to Bond with? [ Although she's not sure he's thought that far ahead, with the loss of Tsutha still so raw. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-20 08:44 pm (UTC)(And think of how awful it would be for him to ask, only to realize she had someone else in mind.)
He renews his grip on her hand, his gaze moving to the trim on the wall.]
Um...
[If there wasn't someone, he'd just say so. Perhaps she knows him well enough at this point to know as much.]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-21 12:06 am (UTC)Either way, she squeezes his hand warmly, wondering if she'd overstepped when he stares a hole in the wall. ]
If there's not, that's okay too, you know. You have time.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-23 06:10 am (UTC)[She's either not catching the hint, or the idea hasn't occurred to her... neither of which are the greatest outcome... Normally he might have the confidence to be more forward about the request, but the circumstances have him feeling rather fragile.
He continues to not look at her, instead opting to stare at their hands—to which he adds another of his own.]
You... have two, right?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-23 08:41 pm (UTC)But when his words do sink in, she glances up to meet his gaze with a startled look, one that melts into a warm - if rueful - smile a moment later. ]
I do, yes. Another witch and a dragon. But I still have room for one more...?
[ ...if that's why he was asking? ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-24 07:55 am (UTC)If—
[He cuts himself off, unable to offer the possibility of refusal even though his (polite, human) instinct is to keep asking and making sure.
This time, he simply accepts the offer. Maybe it's a step towards accepting what help he needs, or maybe it's just a coping mechanism he'll abandon later. He lets out a breath.]
... that would be nice.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-24 01:52 pm (UTC)It would be. I'd be honored to have you as my Bonded, Ferran. There are few here I trust more.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 08:45 pm (UTC)Thanks...
[Hopefully soon he'll have the nerve to express the same sentiment back to her with more than a single word.]