[Ferran shakes his head in disagreement. Whatever Yona might think about his control... well, he's worked so hard on his facade. Of course she would think him capable of holding it together.]
I didn't have just one bond before. And I didn't spend more than a day without two, before now.
[If anything, he wants to be less. Less magic, less Fae. Less dangerous.
Though there is one point that she probably has the right of. He's not exactly good about trusting his friends when it comes to issues regarding himself.]
I don't—want to be more. It just means there are more things I don't know about myself... or what I can do. And I don't want to force anyone else to...
[... do something unpleasant to keep him in check, for one. Even if he doesn't care about being hurt by those who have good intentions, he knows such a thing would have an effect on his friends and loved ones.]
[ Staying crouched by his knee, she listens to what he says. And what's more, what he doesn't. ]
Not knowing things about yourself, Ferran, just means you will be afraid of the unknown for far longer. [ Her voice is soft - she doesn't want to upset him further and she knows this might not be the best time to talk about this. But it's not often he opens up like this, either. To her, at least. ]
What if you're not forcing anyone to? What if there was someone with you who wanted to find out those truths with you, to help where they could?
[Ferran presses his lips together as his brow furrows, and even if there's a part of him that sees that Yona is right, the rest of him doesn't want to deal with those things at all, ever. Similarly, he can't imagine anyone else would want to, when they did finally learn what was hiding under the pleasant surface.
Even aside from that dread of being truly seen for what he is, he has an incredibly hard time depending on anyone. It's been enough of a struggle to rely on others for more physical things, and he still balks at the idea of sharing anything but the most obvious and relatable of emotional problems.
He won't outright dismiss the idea, because that would upset Yona and possibly lead to an argument he doesn't want. But he can't bring himself to seriously consider the concept, either. Instead, he diverts the conversation entirely, his typical tactic.]
Maybe it'll be fine if I just... get another bond again...
[He just has to stay in control. Would a third help too, he wonders? He'll have to consider it more later.]
[The thought had been in his mind a while, although it was always just a fleeting idea, one he hadn't felt the need to follow up on... partly because of Yona's other bonds and partly because of his own. Plus, for whatever reason he's had this idea in his head of needing to leave the potential for another open in case of some emergent circumstance—or in case she found someone better than him to share her soul with.
(And think of how awful it would be for him to ask, only to realize she had someone else in mind.)
He renews his grip on her hand, his gaze moving to the trim on the wall.]
Um...
[If there wasn't someone, he'd just say so. Perhaps she knows him well enough at this point to know as much.]
[ She knows him pretty well, but she's also still very oblivious when it comes to connections in general - especially ones involving herself. Or perhaps it's just that she doesn't tend to jump to assumptions, preferring the honesty from others.
Either way, she squeezes his hand warmly, wondering if she'd overstepped when he stares a hole in the wall. ]
If there's not, that's okay too, you know. You have time.
[She's either not catching the hint, or the idea hasn't occurred to her... neither of which are the greatest outcome... Normally he might have the confidence to be more forward about the request, but the circumstances have him feeling rather fragile.
He continues to not look at her, instead opting to stare at their hands—to which he adds another of his own.]
[ She blinks for a moment, staring at his hand as it comes to clasp over hers. It takes a moment to register why that is relevant - and not a failure on her part. She just... tends to be rather obtuse when it comes to things like that. It's not the first thing her mind jumps to, especially when she's already focusing on someone else and what they need. She's not exactly accustomed to that coming back around to her, and it feels a little self-centered to assume that it would.
But when his words do sink in, she glances up to meet his gaze with a startled look, one that melts into a warm - if rueful - smile a moment later. ]
I do, yes. Another witch and a dragon. But I still have room for one more...?
[The small amount of hope and relief he feels when their eyes finally meet again and he sees that realization doesn't quite show through his expression, unfortunately. It takes a moment for him to continue, opening his mouth for a few seconds before he does actually speak:]
If—
[He cuts himself off, unable to offer the possibility of refusal even though his (polite, human) instinct is to keep asking and making sure.
This time, he simply accepts the offer. Maybe it's a step towards accepting what help he needs, or maybe it's just a coping mechanism he'll abandon later. He lets out a breath.]
[ She studies his expression for a moment - even though it gives away very little of what he's thinking. But then her smile brightens, genuine and warm, and she squeezes his hand. ]
It would be. I'd be honored to have you as my Bonded, Ferran. There are few here I trust more.
[He doesn't know if he's earned that trust, but he certainly hopes he can. He takes in a slow breath, one of his many worries alleviated, but his voice is still a little strained when he finally replies.]
Thanks...
[Hopefully soon he'll have the nerve to express the same sentiment back to her with more than a single word.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 05:11 am (UTC)I didn't have just one bond before. And I didn't spend more than a day without two, before now.
[If anything, he wants to be less. Less magic, less Fae. Less dangerous.
Though there is one point that she probably has the right of. He's not exactly good about trusting his friends when it comes to issues regarding himself.]
I don't—want to be more. It just means there are more things I don't know about myself... or what I can do. And I don't want to force anyone else to...
[... do something unpleasant to keep him in check, for one. Even if he doesn't care about being hurt by those who have good intentions, he knows such a thing would have an effect on his friends and loved ones.]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 02:38 pm (UTC)Not knowing things about yourself, Ferran, just means you will be afraid of the unknown for far longer. [ Her voice is soft - she doesn't want to upset him further and she knows this might not be the best time to talk about this. But it's not often he opens up like this, either. To her, at least. ]
What if you're not forcing anyone to? What if there was someone with you who wanted to find out those truths with you, to help where they could?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 04:24 am (UTC)Even aside from that dread of being truly seen for what he is, he has an incredibly hard time depending on anyone. It's been enough of a struggle to rely on others for more physical things, and he still balks at the idea of sharing anything but the most obvious and relatable of emotional problems.
He won't outright dismiss the idea, because that would upset Yona and possibly lead to an argument he doesn't want. But he can't bring himself to seriously consider the concept, either. Instead, he diverts the conversation entirely, his typical tactic.]
Maybe it'll be fine if I just... get another bond again...
[He just has to stay in control. Would a third help too, he wonders? He'll have to consider it more later.]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-19 06:35 pm (UTC)[ Even if that's still not addressing the deeper matter at all, but... baby steps. ]
Is there someone else you'd want to Bond with? [ Although she's not sure he's thought that far ahead, with the loss of Tsutha still so raw. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-20 08:44 pm (UTC)(And think of how awful it would be for him to ask, only to realize she had someone else in mind.)
He renews his grip on her hand, his gaze moving to the trim on the wall.]
Um...
[If there wasn't someone, he'd just say so. Perhaps she knows him well enough at this point to know as much.]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-21 12:06 am (UTC)Either way, she squeezes his hand warmly, wondering if she'd overstepped when he stares a hole in the wall. ]
If there's not, that's okay too, you know. You have time.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-23 06:10 am (UTC)[She's either not catching the hint, or the idea hasn't occurred to her... neither of which are the greatest outcome... Normally he might have the confidence to be more forward about the request, but the circumstances have him feeling rather fragile.
He continues to not look at her, instead opting to stare at their hands—to which he adds another of his own.]
You... have two, right?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-23 08:41 pm (UTC)But when his words do sink in, she glances up to meet his gaze with a startled look, one that melts into a warm - if rueful - smile a moment later. ]
I do, yes. Another witch and a dragon. But I still have room for one more...?
[ ...if that's why he was asking? ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-24 07:55 am (UTC)If—
[He cuts himself off, unable to offer the possibility of refusal even though his (polite, human) instinct is to keep asking and making sure.
This time, he simply accepts the offer. Maybe it's a step towards accepting what help he needs, or maybe it's just a coping mechanism he'll abandon later. He lets out a breath.]
... that would be nice.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-24 01:52 pm (UTC)It would be. I'd be honored to have you as my Bonded, Ferran. There are few here I trust more.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 08:45 pm (UTC)Thanks...
[Hopefully soon he'll have the nerve to express the same sentiment back to her with more than a single word.]