[ That is so very much to unpack right there, Cu. You're going to need to give her a moment here.
She takes a slow sip of her tea, more for something to keep her hands occupied as her mind races over what he'd just revealed. And oh, it had been reeling from the very first sentence.
He's... long gone. How long, she doesn't ask just yet, but the fact that legends and stories have sprung up in his wake is telling in itself. That there are stories spun of him she doesn't find surprising in the least - Caster has ever been a figure larger than life in the time she's known him - she doubts that would be different no matter the age. But the fact that he is gone in the first place is.... something that's proving harder to wrap her head - and her heart - around. She blinks quickly, eyes burning a little as she takes another sip of tea to hide her struggle for composure.
The guardian spirit, at least, is the easiest part of his explanation to understand. From the sound of it, it's not so different from her own dragon companions from home - if only sworn to a different cause and sense of duty. Suddenly all those similarities she couldn't help to have noticed seemed all the more poignant.
But that last point has her gaze narrowing for a long moment as she mulls that over. ]
He was you... or a version of you... who lived a different life. Is that what you're saying?
[ It's... always strange to spring that part of his existence on those close to him. It rarely comes up, if ever. But with his Bonded, he wants to come in a clear. But then that means moments like these— of shock, and surprise, and well... many more feelings.
He lives his life well, and despite how it ended... he does not regret. But some parts of being alive again here remain strange to understand and... disconnecting.
Cú lets her mull, process, and think. All the time she needs. And when the question comes ]
In the broadest of strokes— yes. Being more specific— he didn't choose this path himself. The woman who killed me did it.
[ He'd rather not ruminate about Medb, but the truth is after he saw Berserker, part of him started to regret not killing her. It's all a bundle of complicated nerves and ideas there. ]
A queen that waged war against my king. I rejected her, and she never forgave that offense. Someplace else... sometime else... she was brought back and given the power to make one of her wishes come true. So she made a "me" that would be her "king"
[ Yona just takes a moment to blink at him, even as she tried to come to terms with the ramifications of that. ]
My. [ She speaks after a moment, her tone a hint droll - if only to give her time to think on that complication. ] You do certainly leave an impression on people, don't you?
[ Momentarily he blinks, before he connects the dots— and then he sighs shaking his head ]
It's not like this. [ The rejection implies romantic one, he could have worded that better ] Medb operates on two extremes, people are supposed to either love her or hate her. I refused to kill her, but not because I fell for her. I was just tired— [ of all the war and death ] —and wanted her to leave and never come back.
[ He didn't hate her back then. He's not sure if he hates her now, as evident by the confused subdued discomfort whenever her names show up. However, he's pretty sure Berserker does hate her, so she succeeded in getting one or the other from him ]
[ Her head cocked to the side as she studies him. Studies those emotions she gets from their shared Bond. Reaching out, she brushes her fingers over the back of his hand, the touch light but understanding. ]
I can imagine apathy would have been a grave insult indeed. It's far colder than either love or hate. An emptiness there's no way of filling. So she sought her revenge by bringing a part of you back. To alter what she could not accept.
He never looked at it this way. He never truly considered why it was considered an offense, he just lived on, as long as he could, fighting off her attempts at revenge.
So in this weird moment of clarity, everything falls together. Not just regarding his long ended life, but his life here, and connection to the man he was just trying to give a brief description of. It's upsetting, distressing even, this sudden realization that this apathy Berserker always displayed is something not specific to his altered form. It has always been there. After Ferdiad's death, Laeg scolded him for mourning publicly their enemy, so he learned the lesson and had no tears to spare after killing his own son.
Berserker might have resented him for having the positive emotions he thought he no longer had. But Caster... for all this time, looked at him and suppressed the question "am I going to end like this one day?" If he lived longer, would he end like this? Is this why the very idea of living again is so pointless to him?
——it's all a goddamn mess in his head right now, and it is also not a burden any of his Bonded should be made aware of. He cannot put that on them. So with a deep breath, he makes use of that apathy. Smoothing out the waves of the sudden emotions rushing through him. Dampening them from storm to a cold breeze. ]
You speak the truth. [ One that he never looked that closely on ]
[ Acting normal isn't something that he can just do, since being an actor isn't really his strong suit. So it all comes serious rather than casual. And distant ]
That man is not my enemy. We're allies now, but accidental comparisons or mistakes can happen and they don't always go well. I never intended to keep it away from you, I just couldn't figure out a good moment to bring it up.
[ I'm not that different than him is at the end of his tongue, but he doesn't allow it to be spoken. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-12-28 02:07 am (UTC)She takes a slow sip of her tea, more for something to keep her hands occupied as her mind races over what he'd just revealed. And oh, it had been reeling from the very first sentence.
He's... long gone. How long, she doesn't ask just yet, but the fact that legends and stories have sprung up in his wake is telling in itself. That there are stories spun of him she doesn't find surprising in the least - Caster has ever been a figure larger than life in the time she's known him - she doubts that would be different no matter the age. But the fact that he is gone in the first place is.... something that's proving harder to wrap her head - and her heart - around. She blinks quickly, eyes burning a little as she takes another sip of tea to hide her struggle for composure.
The guardian spirit, at least, is the easiest part of his explanation to understand. From the sound of it, it's not so different from her own dragon companions from home - if only sworn to a different cause and sense of duty. Suddenly all those similarities she couldn't help to have noticed seemed all the more poignant.
But that last point has her gaze narrowing for a long moment as she mulls that over. ]
He was you... or a version of you... who lived a different life. Is that what you're saying?
no subject
Date: 2020-12-29 07:05 pm (UTC)He lives his life well, and despite how it ended... he does not regret. But some parts of being alive again here remain strange to understand and... disconnecting.
Cú lets her mull, process, and think. All the time she needs. And when the question comes ]
In the broadest of strokes— yes. Being more specific— he didn't choose this path himself. The woman who killed me did it.
[ He'd rather not ruminate about Medb, but the truth is after he saw Berserker, part of him started to regret not killing her. It's all a bundle of complicated nerves and ideas there. ]
A queen that waged war against my king. I rejected her, and she never forgave that offense. Someplace else... sometime else... she was brought back and given the power to make one of her wishes come true. So she made a "me" that would be her "king"
[ This all sounds like a fairy tale ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-07 10:03 am (UTC)My. [ She speaks after a moment, her tone a hint droll - if only to give her time to think on that complication. ] You do certainly leave an impression on people, don't you?
no subject
Date: 2021-01-07 10:15 am (UTC)It's not like this. [ The rejection implies romantic one, he could have worded that better ] Medb operates on two extremes, people are supposed to either love her or hate her. I refused to kill her, but not because I fell for her. I was just tired— [ of all the war and death ] —and wanted her to leave and never come back.
[ He didn't hate her back then. He's not sure if he hates her now, as evident by the confused subdued discomfort whenever her names show up. However, he's pretty sure Berserker does hate her, so she succeeded in getting one or the other from him ]
That was the rejection she couldn't accept
no subject
Date: 2021-01-07 10:28 am (UTC)I can imagine apathy would have been a grave insult indeed. It's far colder than either love or hate. An emptiness there's no way of filling. So she sought her revenge by bringing a part of you back. To alter what she could not accept.
1/2
Date: 2021-01-07 11:36 am (UTC)He never looked at it this way. He never truly considered why it was considered an offense, he just lived on, as long as he could, fighting off her attempts at revenge.
So in this weird moment of clarity, everything falls together. Not just regarding his long ended life, but his life here, and connection to the man he was just trying to give a brief description of. It's upsetting, distressing even, this sudden realization that this apathy Berserker always displayed is something not specific to his altered form. It has always been there. After Ferdiad's death, Laeg scolded him for mourning publicly their enemy, so he learned the lesson and had no tears to spare after killing his own son.
Berserker might have resented him for having the positive emotions he thought he no longer had. But Caster... for all this time, looked at him and suppressed the question "am I going to end like this one day?" If he lived longer, would he end like this? Is this why the very idea of living again is so pointless to him?
——it's all a goddamn mess in his head right now, and it is also not a burden any of his Bonded should be made aware of. He cannot put that on them. So with a deep breath, he makes use of that apathy. Smoothing out the waves of the sudden emotions rushing through him. Dampening them from storm to a cold breeze. ]
You speak the truth. [ One that he never looked that closely on ]
2/2
Date: 2021-01-07 12:05 pm (UTC)That man is not my enemy. We're allies now, but accidental comparisons or mistakes can happen and they don't always go well. I never intended to keep it away from you, I just couldn't figure out a good moment to bring it up.
[ I'm not that different than him is at the end of his tongue, but he doesn't allow it to be spoken. ]